Hollywood's Hayley Mills Connection

Two nights ago, my family saw 2012. In case you've been under a rock for years, 2012 is the date the world as we know it will end. Courtesy of a Mayan prophecy predicting 12/21/12 as the end. After watching all 2 1/2 hours of almost total annihilation, I have come to realize a few things (Spoiler Alert).

The one I'll share today is that Hollywood is in love with Hayley Mills. More specifically, Hollywood has never kicked the idea of The Parent Trap. You remember this movie? Two girls meet up at camp. After much shock and consternation that they look EXACTLY alike, they realize they are twins. Their parents are divorced and one or both have found someone new. But deep down, maybe really deep down, the parents are still in love with each other. After some pretty crazy shenanigans or situations, they ultimately get back together to have that perfect family. And yes, the S.O. (significant other) dies in an act of self-sacrifice.

Okay, that last part wasn't exactly how The Parent Trap ended, but take out the cute song 'Yeah, yeah yeah', throw in the apocolypse, evil government conspiracies, and a survival plan that could ONLY work in the movies, and it would have.

Here's what I've learned. If you hope to survive the impending doom our country is, per the Mayans, headed toward, then you need to be a part of the following:
1. Divorce. This is the number one quality for survival potential. Married couples only survive in disaster movies that involve a part of a country. If it's the whole world, as a past contestant of a fashion reality show said, "I'm in, you're out." You're an S.O.? Depends. Was he about to propose? Congrats! You're going to make it. Have the ring? Trade it in for a coffin from Walmart. You aren't going to make it. (Yes, they sell coffins online--top price--$8000.).
2. Divorce and your ex's new S.O. has minimal talent in something that can save your life. 'Oh, honey, my new boyfriend has taken a few flying lessons.' Watch how he flies a small aircraft through California's skyscrapers collapsing and Yellowstone exploding and a HUGE Russian plane through crumbling Paris and China's mountains. Whether it's driving some kind of vehicle the average person can't, or having strange connections to someone with tickets to Noah's arc, this is critical.
3. Divorce and your ex meets breadcrumbers and/or has military survival skills. Have you noticed this one? Oddly enough, your ex is always the one who can...shoot a rocket launcher; hotwire a car; turn a piece of metal, a tub, and electricity into an ozonator to give you fresh water. And if he/she happens to somehow have a connection to a nutjob who helps him put together all the little crumbs (i.e. the breadcrumbers)...you just might have the makings of survival.
4. Divorce but your ex still loves you. The marriage didn't end b/c of money, cheating, abuse, or general jerkiness. You two are, in fact, amazingly decent people. The kind of people everyone else roots for, despite impossible odds and the fact that everyone else (along with La Casa Blanca) is being swept away by a tidalwave.

Which means that, yes, you guessed it. Somehow, you will survive. Your S.O. won't. But that's okay. Because in the end, your daughter, age 7, has finally learned to sleep without a fear of wetting the bed. And that's the chirpy optimism Hayley Mills' movies were known for. Guess Hollywood isn't cynical after all.