The City That Never Sleeps

New York City. The Big Apple. The City That Never Sleeps. And why is that, exactly? I've spent some time thinking about it. I've got a theory. It has to do with the mattresses. And in a nod to appellate lawyers everywhere, I believe New Yorkers can't sleep for the following three reasons: mattress shortage, bedbugs, and wrong kind of mattress.

First: mattress shortage. It's a big city. There's a mattress shortage going on. I've lived there twice. I've never seen a mattress store. Ever. You have to know someone. I'm picturing secret deals made by desperate newcomers in the back alley. Organized crime? Please. This city has bigger problems.

Second: bedbugs. As a kid we all heard the refrain: "Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. If they do, get a shoe, beat 'em 'til they're black and blue." It's not quite as proactive as I'd recommend, but it is justice. You do the crime, you do the time. Still, it didn't mean much. Until I lived in Queens for awhile, renting a furnished apartment. Yes, Sarah, there really are bedbugs. And these little guys could be the reason no one sleeps. They live on the bottom of your mattress. And they are crafty. Think squirrels. But buglike.

The third reason I believe mattresses are the problem comes down to the mattress used. Just imagine if New Yorkers had tempurpedic ones. I've seen the commercials. You sleep. Your partner jumps up and down on the bed to see if a wine glass spills. (Why are they doing this, exactly?) No matter, you're still sleeping. This could be the answer to grumpy cabbies. But then again, this could increase crime rates. Someone breaks in to your apartment, and now that dogs over 40 lbs are banned from the city, you'll sleep right through the burglary. The robber could even come in, eat your food, sleep in your bed a la Goldlilocks, steal your stuff and get out before you know it. But you probably wouldn't mind b/c you're well rested. And well-rested people are happy people. But still. Can you imagine a New Yorker waking up next to someone they didn't even know? Oh...wait.

So, maybe that's why it's the City That Never Sleeps. ;)